Flovers and Flerburgs

“I have only one language, but it is not my own” ~Derrida

I find myself frustrated by not having the vocabulary to accurately describe what I experience in relationships. I’ve always found that, whilst I can grok a concept without necessarily needing a matching vocabulary, when it comes to articulating the concepts to others, the right words often evade me.

Right now, there’s a few different individuals I am looking to more casually date and have fun with. They each present a tantalising dynamic that I want to explore, and in each case, things are still quite fresh. With each of them, I absolutely love the idea of ‘dating’ without all the posessiveness and drama that seems to come along with that territory. Perhaps further down the road those terms could apply, but I feel like they do an inadequate job of describing them. I want to go to dinner, run amok in Stanley Park taking photos, hike in remote areas, go to costume parties, have more amazing mind blowing sex, and stay in this space of perpetual open-ness. And at the same time, I have an assortment of friends that have been lovers in the not-so-distant past, and could be again in the near or not-so-near future. With them, there’s no on-going arrangement, so I can hardly call them friends-with-benefits. And the term fuck buddies is nowhere near this equation for me, because with each of them, I feel incredible connection, emotional and spiritual.

So, we seem to need a new term. A term to describe someone who you would/could/have/will/will again have as a lover, and when they aren’t in bed rocking your world, are amazingly good friends, friends who can feel like extended family, or tribe. I’m going to play with the term “flover” for now. A friend who is also a lover. A lover who is also a friend.


Having said all of this, maybe we should get rid of all the terms altogether. It seems there is endless discussion amongst poly forums and groups as to defining words in finite terms, rather than recognizing them as fluid and subjective, and I am loathe to get roped into this. As the wife of one of my potential flovers writes, “I’ve decided to give up on the English language where any words that routinely cause confusion are concerned. I shall heretofore replace such words with “flerburg.”

Perhaps the bottom line here is this: A little less conversation, a little more action please. And a lot more flovers and flerburgs.

3 thoughts on “Flovers and Flerburgs

  1. Alright, damn you and being correct. Yes — “flover” is good, but I second your idea of getting rid of the terminology. I’m so uninterested in terms; I have friends, I have lovers, some of my friends are lovers, and most of my lovers are friends. I have lovers who have transitioned into long-term friends, and a few long-term friends who may some day be lovers. Ultimately? It doesn’t matter as much as the fact that we’re all having fun, we’re all making it up as we go along, and we’re all very seriously amused at the poly community’s constant debates/discussions/running gun battles over terms like “polyamory” and “heteronormativity.”

    I keep trying, unsuccessfully, to disguise my flerburg leanings towards you. Perhaps I should go meditate in my zen garden which I don’t have, or something. I know, I’ll go focus on my coding and Burning Man hobbies, for a while!

  2. I love this post! I am linking this to my local Houston poly-facebook group, because we have endless discussions about “labels” when it comes to who we are interested in seeing and who we are friends with, but also have sex with sometimes. This is neat! 🙂

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