The female orgasm is a fascinating thing.
I find there is so much diversity to orgasms. They can range from small tremors, to full body tectonic shifting earthquakes, to explosive eruptions that ripple through the landscape. And this diversity really fascinates me. Whilst I have been able to give myself those planetary-scale gushing orgasms, very rarely has someone else been able to give them to me. ElkFeather did. Noel did. Often times I have come close, only for it to give way into a cascade of what I term ‘laugh-gasms’ and those are still plenty enjoyable in their own way. Still, I’ve gotten used to the fact full on polar-shifts might happen, or not, and even if they don’t, I’m still having fun. Mentally holding on to the idea that I want to experience one of those full-body shockwaves seems to get in the way of actually experiencing it. Which brings me to the catalyst for this article, because in the course of 24 hours, I had two separate tsunamis, with two different people.
I had a very interesting experience with a guy who, for the sake of the blog, we’ll call Haru. I’ve met him twice before, once last summer, and then again at a social event a few weeks ago. We’d connected over some common interests, and I found him quite fascinating. Glancing over his profile on Fetlife once, I remember feeling that unavoidable eyebrow raise of hrm, this could be interesting to explore.
Well, explore we did.
After seeing each other at this social event, we arranged to hang out for the evening, trading some massage. Amongst the many things I know in life, I know a thing or two about massage, as does he. The very platonic connection developed into something quite more than that very quickly. Something about the shared ability of being present to one another’s bodies. See, giving massage, touching another person’s skin from a massage point of view, requires a lot of ‘listening’ to the body. You have to tune in to understand some of the subtleties going on underneath the surface. This gave a beautiful foundation for a more powerful, trusting connection to evolve.
There are many ways in which what we shared was incredibly lovely, but one thing that stands out for me in the uniqueness of the experience, and as key to how I opened up to the full orgasm, is the loving affection he gave my belly. I have experienced a lot of trauma around my abdomen. Many years of painful ovarian cysts, two miscarriages, upsetting medical procedures and diagnostic tests, and the psychosomatic holding of emotions in my core that have related strongly to my mother and all the pain of her judgements against me: that subtle unseen umbilical chord that I have been seeking to sever in my quest for the full expression of my independent self.
I cannot emphasize enough just how healing it felt to have so much nurturing and sensual attention paid to my belly. It was incredibly profound, and there was a beautiful sense of joy and ecstasy that came from being ‘seen’ in that moment- being seen and experienced, not for the scars and wounding I have held, but for the light and potential within me.
I felt empowered to take charge more than I have done with new partners before, and, in a balanced expression of myself as a switch, got to explore a little more of my dominant side, taking charge whilst staying in tune with Haru’s body too.
Like Orion, Haru chooses to abstain from intercourse, a choice I find incredibly fascinating, and enjoyable for all the creativity it opens me up to. The foreplay is no longer foreplay. It’s just play. And play can go on for ever, and constantly evolve.
There’s a lot of fun to be had when the more obvious source of physical satisfaction isn’t available to you.
I’ve been musing for a while about how I feel some orgasms through different parts of my nervous system- the nerve plexuses along the spine seem to ‘fire’ off in different ways with different orgasms. In the past few months I had been slowly progressing- in my own orgasmic practice as well as with partners- from a ‘root’ centered experience, to sacral, and then, in my night with Haru, I finally felt the orgasm travel all the way to the solar plexus nerve centre for the first time. It was really very incredible. There was a huge release of emotions, and joy. The synergy of that moment was incredibly lovely, and very special. In my exploration of my more polysexual side, my connection with him is something that I think will have room to be explored again- and in the meantime, I have opened myself up to a new and very nourishing friendship. We spooned and cuddled and sighed all night.
The following evening I had a date and sleepover at Orion’s.
Now, Orion and I haven’t had sex since last December. In fact, we haven’t been very sexual with one another for a few months. Partly due to physical energy, mental distractions, space, and just not feeling that either of us wanted to force something if we didn’t feel it was natural.
Exploring the possibilities of a relationship with no attachment to expectations, we’ve both been growing into a new level of comfort with the ‘unknowing’ of what might happen when we hang out. A date with Orion could mean anything: geeking out over sci-fi, sharing mongolian barbecue, a deep conversation about spirituality and/or polyamory and/or the nature of the universe. It could be soft warm cuddles, or hot sexy makeouts. Dessert could be gelato- or, it could be me. Neither of us holds one another to an expectation or obligation of things, and the way we have developed of communicating about it is quite neat.
Well, on this occasion, right from when I arrived at his place, we couldn’t keep our hands or mouths off each other It was hot. Orion likes the image of lions pouncing on one another, and I think this is really accurate. It is playful, and because there’s no expectation or feeling of obligation to one another, it becomes a very freeing and liberating experience to not actually know where this is leading, or of how far we will be ready to go from moment to moment.
I told him about my experience the night before and how amazing I felt afterwards. As Orion gets to know me more, and gets to interact with my other partners, he’s been enjoying the experience of compersion more, and he seemed incredibly happy to hear about the fun night I had had. Cooling things down a bit with dinner and watching a movie together, we transitioned into conversation about life, the universe, and everything, before moving seamlessly back into a passionate flow of things. Then came that moment of ‘Is it bedtime, or do we keep making out?’ to which the answer seemed obvious.
We pulled shirts off. We pulled pants off. We kissed softly. We kissed roughly. We played with that rhythm of building anticipation and then cooling off just enough that the rush back into things built up the excitement and anticipation even further than it was before. It was fun, creative, without any agenda. We communicated playfully about what we were doing. Does it feel better at Warp 10, or Warp 5? God that communication is powerful when it can happen with ease. When you trust your own body and trust your partner, when you experience the liberating power of being seen and heard for who you are and what you love at that core, primal level of your being… few experiences in life, that I know of, can compare to that.
Orion was playful, commanding, respectful, exciting, calm, and gleeful as he explored me anew. He approached my body from this beautiful space of wanting to know more about it, wanting to understand it- not in an intellectual way- but in a kinaesthetic and tactile way. It was incredibly hot.
There’s a phenomena that I can only describe as a pre-orgasmic possession: the moments where my brain totally shuts off, and I am fully and wholly in my body. My body moves of its own accord, naturally. Squirming, sighing with my whole breath, reverberating spontaneous sound through every part of me. There’s no more thinking in that state. There’s just doing. And I’ve been asked questions in that state and, though I hear them, and as hot as it is to communicate back and forth about what’s happening, when that moment comes along, I can’t think to answer with any intellectual capacity. Yet, my body speaks the answer. My body responds. My body communicates. I become fully present to the moment at hand.
Of course, all human beings are wired slightly differently. The female anatomy can vary greatly from one woman to the next. Naomi Wolf talks at length in her book Vagina: A New Biography about this. We really are all unique and fascinating creatures. I say this with a fair bit of experience in giving women orgasms myself. We are delightfully complicated. And, never underestimate the significance of the head space someone is in, the stress they may be experiencing, how hydrated they are, how healthy they are, how their hormones are functioning.
I wonder how the experience of orgasm may be similar or different for men. I’ve certainly noticed amongst men I have been with who identify closer to bisexual or gender queer, they seem to experience orgasms differently from men who identify as more straight or as purely masculine. I want to explore this more and develop a better understanding of it.
Is there a formula for the female orgasm?
Keep exploring. Keep communicating. Keep sharing. Build trust. Share love and affection. Be creative. Don’t think of your partner as obligated to give you anything, and don’t obligate yourself to give them anything either. Be healthy. Take your time. Listen. Nurture a perspective that can stay in the moment. And then, where it goes, is where it goes.