Navigating Non Escalator Relationships

aka “So, you’re in a non-escalator relationship- what now?”
(dedicated to ‘Alexander’)

no-escalatorThe most common script that we follow in relationships is that of the Relationship Escalator. And that’s a model that works for a lot of people. But, increasingly, people- especially in the non-monogamous community- are challenging that default script and exploring what it means to have relationships that are not on the Escalator.

And, let’s be honest- most relationships you will experience in your life (including platonic ones) are not on an Escalator.

Non-escalator relationships can be short term and casual, and they can also be long term, emotionally invested relationships. They are build-your-own-lunch-box relationships, relationships a la carte. But, how do people in non escalator relationships measure the investment? How do they read emotional commitment, security, and the ongoing life of the relationship, when they aren’t defaulting to the regular milestones of dating, moving in, getting married, and so forth?

58ddb1c5ae37f0734abdebfdc58a08b0Something I’ve both experienced and witnessed in my explorations of this non-escalator paradigm, is that when we don’t talk about this stuff, and instead fill in the blanks based on a default set of assumptions we carry about the other person, then we end up either trying to control the relationships we are in, or being controlled by it. And neither of those options is much fun. Personally, I would rather see Relationships be spaces of freedom.

I think it is important to remember that we aren’t following a script, we are co-creating a relationship. All relationships have the possibility of being an ongoing conversation- and Non-Escalator relationships more so, because there’s no script to default to when there’s uncertainty (though, we might try to). Radical relationships, in general, are about making conscious choices about relating.

Awesome-quote-Running-awayWhen you’re Solo, and looking for non escalator relationships only, there can be a fear that the “RE” established people you meet are only dating you to get a temporary fix. You wonder if they are using you- consciously perhaps but unconsciously more likely- to spice up their sex life or let out their frustrations, or exercise some otherwise unrealised disfunction or fantasy. I’ve personally had a recurring fear of becoming part of the ‘Disneyland Relationship’ where the married family person goes to a fun-loving singleton to escape the reality of their responsibilities. It’s depleting to your self-relationship to feel used. So, us non-escalator folks look for certain things as marks of commitment and emotional investment- things that say “Yup, this person’s going to come back for another date!” and “This person recognizes and respects who I am.”

The Relationship Escalator has implicit marks of commitment and investment- each floor reached symbolises deeper intertwining, like moving in together, sharing finances, getting married, having children. And, when people are on an escalator in their relationship, when they are invested in the concept that their relationship has a set destination, they will go to great lengths to troubleshoot and address the conflicts and areas where intimacy has been lost. They’ll go to therapists and counsellors and do the work to figure out what went wrong and how to course correct.

I hear of so many couples- married, common law, primary, nesting, however you want to define it- going to relationship Counselling. But how often do people think of going to Counselling with their partner when it’s a non escalator relationships that’s on the rocks?

“You don’t measure love in time. You measure love in transformation. Sometimes the longest connections yield very little growth, while the briefest of encounters change everything. The heart doesn’t wear a watch- it’s timeless. It doesn’t care how long you know someone. It doesn’t care if you had a 40 year anniversary if there is no juice in the connection. What the heart cares about is resonance. Resonance that opens it, resonance that enlivens it, resonance that calls it home. And when it finds it, the transformation begins…”

~ Jeff Brown

Relationships that are decidedly not on the escalator, don’t have to lack direction or purpose. Being off the escalator and without a predetermined trajectory doesn’t mean it’s not going to require conflict resolution or course correction. For those of us traversing the terrain of the non-escalator paradigm, we need to know that we aren’t going to be disposable in relationships. We need to know that we aren’t going to be dropped at the first upset, the first sign of conflict, or the third or fourth. And, while we don’t want to see a ring on our fingers as a symbol of contractual obligation, we do value assurances. We value knowing the landscape, and knowing that the relationships we share can still have direction, intention, and milestone moments, like any other relationship. The likelyhood is, we aren’t in it for the promise of a 40-year anniversary; we’re in it for the juice, the connection- and, the potential for personal growth and transformation.

non escalator landmarks

Things small, things that might seem inconsequential in escalator relationships, can take on greater significance in Non-Escalator relationships. It’s not that these wouldn’t or couldn’t be significant in escalators, it’s just that, in a non escalator relationship, you begin to appreciate them more. Removing the options to live together or get married or share finances as things that might grant a feeling of security down the line, you have to seek the present moment affirmations that the relationship has presence and continuity and value. So an extra toothbrush appearing in your bathroom is a milestone moment because it implies they plan to come back. Defining and redefining your relationship labels marks a turning point and affirmation of the level of commitment and engagement you have with one another.

We may avoid conversation because we’re afraid it might challenge us; there is always the possibility that we may not get what we want out of the relationship if we end up having to define it. But, if we don’t communicate, if we don’t get clear on our own boundaries and relationship sandboxes, things will get messy, and we’ll get hurt. Knowing the terrain you’re crossing together is key. And it’s okay to stop and ask for directions, and make course corrections when you need to. This is not an escalator, it’s a treasure map, with multiple types of treasure chests to find.

What’s important is asking yourself what you want to explore, and asking your partners what they want to explore, and figuring out what are you each willing to explore. In all of this, you’re looking for the things you both want. And, because I know how scary it can be to have these conversations, here’s some things that you might find useful to talk about with your partners in non-escalator relationships. Some might be things worth bringing up on a date zero, others might be better saved for that toothbrush moment, when you realise that yeah, this person’s going to be sleeping over more regularly. So, go forth, and converse with your partners!

Non escalator guide


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Friendships and Flirtations

“It’s not about finding your soul-mate, M. It’s about getting to know someone a whole lot better, and in a totally different way.”

These words were spoken to me by my first boyfriend, Tony.

Tony has known me since I was fourteen, and we dated for a couple of months, broke up, and through high school would casually hook up from time to time. We still chat to this day, and even though he is an ocean away, in the UK, there’s still chemistry between us. We sometimes talk dirty. I send him the occasional suggestive selfie. I have no idea if or when we will meet in person again, but the flirtation is a lot of fun. And, also, he knows who I used to be, what I’ve been through, and where I’m at now. He regularly gets the “Cole’s Notes” updates on my life, and I get the summaries on his. There are not many people who have known me for more than half a life time with whom I have that same level of easy rapport.

I love friendships. And I really enjoy the friendship I have with Tony. It’s a great example for me of a kind of dynamic I think I’m looking for in both my relationships (small r) and Relationships (big R). The people I have been intimate with and who remain friends to this day are some of the people whom I would count as closest to me in my life, and so building and preserving friendship within an intimate relationship has become important to me.

I think I’m getting it, you know? How to balance that ecstatic dance of New-Relationship-Energy glow with establishing a foundation of friendship to rest upon.

The notion of ‘dating’ is even more a mystery to me than it was a year ago. I don’t even know what it means to be ‘dating’ someone. ‘Seeing’ someone, yup. ‘Dating’ is another matter entirely. If dating is just the act of going on dates, well yes there’s people I date. But then- what constitutes a ‘date’?

I am starting to be of the opinion that ‘Dating’ (capital ‘D’) is another symptom of being on that default relationship escalator and I am so not interested in taking that escalator any more.

What I am enjoying a lot recently is the notion of consciously recognizing the potential of what a connection is and can be between two people, and actively sculpting it in such a way as to maximize that potential. So maybe that’s ‘dating’, with a small letter ‘d’; dating as a means of exploration, not Dating as a trajectory towards a specific set of expectations.

photo (5)

Orion and I are at this really beautiful place at the moment where we have a good idea of the spectrum we can explore in our relationship together. It has taken us a year to get to this place, and it feels really, really good. What started out as two friends having some rope play sessions has transformed into best friends who love sharing their love together. And occasionally have ridiculously kinky play sessions. We’ve gotten to understand more about how to communicate with courageous honesty with one another- and that has brought about the most positive, most wonderful shifts. We know what we can be spontaneous about (make-outs, cuddles, walking hand in hand down the street to the coffee shop), and we know what kinds of things we need to talk about in advance: like setting up a night for a kinky play date, for example, and talking about what we’d want to include in there, or anticipating social events and whether we want to be there ‘together’ or ‘solo’.

How is this different from a “Relationship”?

Honestly, I don’t know. It is one of the healthiest relationships I’ve ever been part of. So maybe the difference is- it’s healthy? Neither one of us are attached to any outcomes, but we are committed to keeping integrity with one another and with ourselves. And to always honoring the dynamic we share between us.

The commitment, is not to the intimacy or even to the accessories or outward appearance of the relationship, but to the friendship itself.

Orion is a long-term friend.

Tony is also a long-term friend, albeit a friendship with a different context and texture because, well, he is a very different person than Orion.

And, the friendship running parallel with the flirtations in these relationships is teaching me how to better approach new relationships with a little more perspective.

I want long-term friendships that have the potential for intimacy, but that never have to feel obligated to express intimacy. And those kinds of friendships can absolutely start with dating- cos after all, that’s a great way to get to know somebody!

I met Louis on OkCupid. We messaged back and forth a few times and decided that we had to meet up. Now, my OkCupid profile currently is all geared towards friendship. And Louis’ messages came across as super open, earnest, and friendship-suitable, with a little light flirtation. This was a good combination, in my opinion, to jump in to meeting up. Our date zero was dinner and then an hour in the rain as he waited with me for my bus home. Our second date was grabbing a bite to eat and driving around outside the city listening to drum and bass music turned up full blast on his car stereo, with some midnight antics on a see-saw in a playground in a fancy neighborhood. It was wonderful, and friendly, and super fun, with conversation that just flowed naturally, and no feeling of obligation or anxiety or stress. And when he dropped me at home that night we hugged goodbye and after I got in through the door and kicked off my shoes I realized- damn, I wanted to kiss him.

And so I told him so. We chatted back and forth online and by text, getting more flirty. And the other night he came over to share some home-made ice cream with me and, well, we kissed. And one kiss… led to many more kisses.

I think you know you’ve got something good happening when you can process out-loud and share things in the midst of the throws of passion. “This is really frickin awesome,” “I need you to know that I don’t orgasm easily,” “What can I do for you?” “Do you like to be touched here?” “Hey, do you know how to hi-five the universe?”

And, it is pretty awesome. Our conversation has been flowing incredibly naturally, and the ‘big important things’- you know, those things that have often felt like elephants in the room to me before- have felt super easy to talk about. That says a lot about him, and who he is, because I don’t easily open up to people so quickly. I know also that there’s no way I would have been able to be this present, open, and honest a few months ago.

I asked Louis to describe to me what kind of relationship he’s looking for:
“Friends with benefits… kinda? You know, something that wouldn’t have the kind of emotional involvement as a Relationship would have.”
“Oh,” I said smiling, “You’re looking for friendtimacy?”
“Yes! Oh my god that’s an excellent word, friendtimacy!”

So, we’re in the throws of an NRE that’s fueled by an insane chemistry, and simultaneously, we’re nourishing a friendship and rapport, sharing drum and bass music with one another and geeking out over favorite TV shows, comedy, and movies. It’s fun. And exciting. And there’s so much still to explore.

Oh, and in case you are wondering how to hi-five the Universe? Just stick your hands up in the air, and bop them up gently and say “Hi-five, Universe!”
There, see? Easy.
I’ve been giving the Universe lots of hi-fives these last few weeks. So much gratitude to find myself in the place where I’m at.

“Hai fivez, Univerze!”

Flat Out Flirt Fail

Flat out flirt fail. Flat out flirt fail. Say it ten times really fast! Go on!

 

I had an interesting vacation.

In case you are new to my blog, I’ll let you know I’m definitely an unconventional person, verging on the eccentric, and the type of activities and things I get up to reflect that, I think. For me, a ‘vacation’ has nothing to do with going to a resort or getting on a plane. This summer, it involved volunteering at an electronic dance music festival with about 15,000 other people. And, I didn’t go alone. Orion and ElkFeather were both there too, semi-independently of one another: ElkFeather was camping with his friends and volunteering for one part of the festival, and it was pretty cool to run in to him on the dance floor at random/not-so-random moments, whilst Orion and I shared a tent with a camp filled with other people we were volunteering with- and we had some rather interesting experiences there.

I’ve been hanging around poly folks so long I’d forgotten how the rest of the world functions when it comes to flirtations and seduction. Orion and I thought nothing of sharing a tent together every night and getting our flirt on with all our camp mates and new friends. I mean- there were some damn sexy people there! Never did I dream that I would get the cold shoulder from someone because I was ‘already with someone’.

Juan (not his real name) is in his late thirties. He’s got that glint in his eye that says, “I’m a charmer, and you’re in trouble!” Add to that a quick wit that can make people laugh at even the most dire of things- and yeah, I was crushing. We met when he offered to help me out with transporting my things to the camp from my vehicle. He complimented me on my eyes. He complimented me on my eyes several times and in the walk from my vehicle to the camp site we exchanged all the essentials of our life stories. Well, except for me being poly. Oops.

He had more volunteer responsibilities than I did, so we didn’t get to connect that much more on that first day, though he happily shared some amazing coconut cherry snacks with me during our orientation. Second night of the festival, I ran in to him at one of the stages. He was with a gaggle of girls celebrating someone’s birthday. There was a sense of excitement at running in to one another the way we did. Maybe it was the drugs? Maybe it was the party atmosphere? He was having a blast being the center of attention. We shared a hot sexy make-out before he took off to ‘drop the ladies off at their camp.”

Yeah right, I thought, you’re gonna get in their pants!

I recognized pretty quickly that Juan was not of the monogamous leanings. I seem to have a knack for that- heck, even before I knew what poly was, I was attracted to men who were non-monogamous.

Gimmie a C! Gimmie an O!

Gimmie a C! Gimmie an O!

However, the next day, after he saw Orion and I cuddling and rubbing noses in the morning, I started to get the cold shoulder. Juan started flirting with some of the other girls in camp, including one girl Orion had been flirting with a bit. Weird. But, I wasn’t put off. I tried to find some more time to connect with him- alone. Not easy to do when you are surrounded by 15,000 people. Did he think this flirting with other people in front of me would throw me off or shut me down? Alas, no, my brain doesn’t compute stuff like this in that way. I’m one of the most compersive people I know! I saw him getting in his flirt on and wanted to pull out my compersion cheer-leading pom-poms.

He was even getting his flirt on with a beautiful dancer both Orion and I were crushing on.

Really, with the sexual tension in our camp, it’s a wonder there wasn’t an orgy (and believe me, I tried. If I hadn’t been tripping on acid the last night I’m fairly sure I coulda orchestrated something….let’s call it a ‘team building’ activity).

I had a brief chat with Juan while he lounged in his hammock later that day, we flirted some more with the idea of doing something later after his shift, but it never happened. I even went up to him on the last day of the festival to say, “Hey, I know it looks like Orion and I are together, and we are, but it is by no means an exclusive thing! I’m with lots of people.” That seemed to totally throw him. “Well, uh, yeah, I’m with lots of people too you know…” he spluttered out the words with a look of surprise on his face.

There were no orgies. There was no further hot make-outs. It wasn’t till the drive home when I was reflecting on things that the obvious became obvious: Juan was non monogamous but not so ethical about it. He wasn’t accustomed to communication. He was a player, and maybe not used to encountering women who were just as promiscuous as him- let alone women flirting in front of their partner with no desire/need for that partner to be involved? At least, this is my theory.

Overall, Orion and I figure that no one at our camp really knew what to make of us. It’s not like we were the only poly people in our camp, but we are both so independent and Singleish, and don’t often exude typical coupleish behaviors. We’re best friends first and foremost, which can- quite accurately- give people the impression that we are incredibly close. We are emotionally present with one another, and coincidentally we are occasional lovers. We share things on a multitude of levels and differing dynamics, but without any ownership or feeling of ‘coupledom’ between us.

So it’s perhaps ironic that we were perceived as a couple, and that this got in the way of us getting further with our respective flirtations.

We pondered over this following the festival: what could we have done differently to support each other with our crushes?
“You know, I think in that situation, we could have done more to be eachother’s wing men,” mused Orion, “I could have gone up to Juan and said ‘Hey, M really likes you, do you want me to give you guys some privacy tonight?’ And that way the whole conversation of poly can just get out there.”

Married Poly Couples have this wing-man thing figured out...

Married Poly Couples have this wing-man thing figured out… they just aren’t always that subtle about it.

A part of me cringes at the idea of needing a partner being the go-between or instigator with someone else- even though I’ve been happy to play poly-cupid for numerous partners and ex partners and metamours. But what Orion said makes so much sense in retrospect. Much as I dislike couple privilege and being perceived as tied to or chained to another human being, I have to admit that if others are seeing it that way, then that’s the paradigm you gotta play with. You have to meet people where their perception of reality is at and gently lead them down the rabbit hole from there.

My conclusion from all this?

When in a non-poly environment, it’s okay if you and a partner are perceived as a ‘couple’, and to then go and act a little more like a ‘couple’. Fighting tooth and nail against the perception of “We’re Together!” can actually serve to confuse and bewilder people who have no, or limited, exposure to ethical non monogamy. Instead, you can rock the authentic dynamic, embrace the coupledom that’s perceived, and leverage it as conversation starting material to get poly into the topics of discussion. And, as much as it can be a bit icky, and perhaps taboo for long term married couples to be hitting on people at a party (the hot tub Saturday Night Live skits come to mind), two Singleish people have, perhaps, the potential to work together in a non-creepy way to get their respective flirts on successfully.

Asserting Awareness

“Relationships aren’t about making you happy, they are about making you conscious.”

~ Eckhart Tolle

I have a friend in the poly-world who seems to have an issue with saying No.

I’ve called her on it, and she admits it’s a struggle. I’ve watched her in her exploration of things Poly tumble into a variety of different entanglements, some of them that seemingly don’t have any real chemistry, and even one that was incredibly damaging. I asked her if she knew what she was looking for in relationships yet. She wasn’t sure, so I rephrased the question: “In five years, ten years, who do you want to be surrounded by?”
“People who love me”, she replied.

Ah.

I’m not sure that persuing poly purely in search of more people to love you is necessarily the healthiest approach. I’m talking about a very subtle difference in attitude. For me, it has been about finding more people with whom I can share my love. And, whilst I would hope the feeling of love is reciprocal, I am not coming at it from a place of feeling that I lack love. I have developed an absolutely kick-ass relationship with myself, and feel an incredible amount of love in my life, even when totally alone.

There’s many many reasons that people can come to explore non-monogamy. And they are all equally valid. We search for multiple loving partners for biological reasons, for emotional reasons. Some people, like me, feel they were always this way to some degree. Seeking an antidote for unsatisfying long-term relationships can also be a catalyst for leaping into polyamory. Sometimes we just want to feel loved and adored by everyone, and can’t stand to turn anyone away. Some folks are just afraid of commitment. And sometimes its a combination of several of these reasons and others. Whatever the root cause, I’ve noticed that many (myself included) go through a kind of anti-monogamy rebellion that can occasionally verge on fanatical polyism. This article on precisely this topic is concise and well written.

“Why choose?” has been my motto for a few months. There was a time last year where I approached this poly-singleish thing with an air of carefree abandon. Anyone interesting who asked me on a date, I’d say yes. Well, why not, right? It’s only a date. But, really, there’s gotta be something more in common than “Hey, we’re both poly!”. Not surprisingly  I had some mixed results, some awkward moments, some mistakes, and thankfully made a few new friends.

So, how do you choose who to date? When good fortune shines and life presents you with a smorgasbord of interested parties, how on earth do you go about choosing who you want to spend time with? And then, how the heck do you politely say no to the others?

I’ve noticed that when I, as an individual, fail to provide myself with criteria/guidelines/standards, that fate will decide for me, and every relationship I have going flat lines simultaneously. I’ve witnessed something similar happen to my friend, with some intense relationships hitting the pause button or dropping away completely. In my own process, when this happens, it makes me refine what I want, and what I need, and I’m hoping that it works the same way for her.

As last summer rolled to an end, I decided I needed intimacy with people who could be on a similar page to me spiritually. With each exploration, I’m becoming more aware of my other needs. The need for ongoing communication and integrity. Most importantly, I need lovers who won’t run away when I start to get ‘under their skin’ and peer into the depths of their being (I’ve been told I have a tendency to do this- CC called it my ‘truth-stare’). I’m looking now, consciously, for flovers/lovers/partners that I can build a connection with. Whether its someone I see for dates regularly (like Orion), enjoy a more ‘low key’ yet passionate connection with (like Loki), spend hours exchanging ideas with (like Emma), or someone I get to share cuddles with perhaps only once in a few months (like ElkFeather), I want there to be a connecting of hearts, a meeting of minds, and an exchange of mutual inspiration, stimulating creativity.

If relationships are really about making us conscious of ourselves, then no two partners can- or will be- alike. Every new dynamic will bring its own learnings. And each will have their season or seasons, evolving or moving on as we need them to, whether you experience multiple relationships simultaneously, or one at a time. Its a weird state of detachment to stay in when things can change so fast inwardly and outwardly, but oh man is it worth it.

I read a quote once that poly was the grad-school of relationships. I’m not so sure I completely agree with that analogy. However, I do think its one of the best character building and self-awareness workshops that I know of. In the last year, really embracing a poly-lifestyle, I’ve done more journalling, more self-examination, experienced more heartbreak and more joy than in all my previous years put together. I feel now like every day has become an opportunity to get to know myself better, and to share some of this journey with like-minded and like spirited people makes it all the sweeter.

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

Polysaturation [noun]

Describing the phenomena of a poly-identified individual with a full dating/relationship schedule, unable to fit in- logisitically, physically, or emotionally- any new intimate relationships.

It was my friend Margareta who first introduced me to the phrase ‘poly-saturated’. I love it. Immediately groked it. And ever since it’s had me wondering- how do you know when you are polysaturated?

At first, I thought maybe its a logistical thing. I think back to a month ago when I was, I kid you not, going on dates for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Okay, maybe not all three in one day. I can easily skip a meal. My room-mate noticed that I cooked for myself only ONCE in that whole week. Thank god it calmed down as I began to realise the insanity of it, and I consciously backed away from any connections I wasn’t feeling overwhelmingly compelled towards in the moment.

Then I thought, maybe its an emotional thing. Perhaps there comes a point where your heart and/or mind can’t handle any more? I’ve caught myself on a few occasions being in bed with one lover and thinking of another- its a terrible feeling. Being present to each partner is a beautiful challenge, absolutely, and is a grand learning curve in mental self-discipline. I’m pleased to say I’m now finding my way around this- helped, perhaps, by the fact that the two main developing relationships I’m enjoying right now are both so delicious and colorful and exciting in their own unique ways.

So I moved on to considering it might be a physical limitation that lets you know you’re polysaturated. I mean, as sexy as I can feel, as turned on as I can be, there always is a point where enough is enough. I don’t think I’m the sort of person who could be having crazy mind blowing sex every day. I’d get bored. Not to mention I’d be exhausted. I tested myself on this recently- going through a weekend of lots and lots of intimacy (which was great, but felt lacking in intensity), to two weeks with no sex.

Yup, two weeks. Not even masturbating. Oh yeah. That was challenging. Went through a lot of chocolate.

It was good to experience and test myself at the extremes. And oh it was worth it for the earth shattering soul-shaking results.

My conclusion? For me, at least, two or three nights of crazy sex a week is a max. Need at least a day inbetween for rest and recharge. But a bit more time inbetween makes it all the more sweeter and enjoyable. Quality, not quantity.

I asked Noel about this idea of polysaturation last night in bed.

I’m immensely curious about his poly experiences. He has this beautiful no-drama attitude towards poly relationships (he attributes this to the positive influence of some wonderful people on the East Coast who were supportive when, several years ago, he and his wife began exploring opening up). Its refreshing, especially when the poly community where I live has grown very close knit and overlapping, and has been known to experience divisions and petty differences. Amidst this almost insular core poly group, Noel walks in with insight on non-monogamy that’s more than just a breath of fresh air; talking with him about poly and open dynamics is like sitting at an Oxygen Bar in zero gravity. (Does that analogy even make sense?) Oh, and the sheer joy on his face when he smiles is more delicious than a lindor chocolate ball…

Anyway, as I was saying. Noel’s got a very wonderful grounded approach to poly. So, talking last night about other lovers in our lives, he mentioned how at one point he had felt too much was going on, and so I asked him: how did you know when you were polysaturated? He pondered for a moment and then answered very simply: “When I no longer had any time for myself”.

Ahhhh.

There’s the answer.

Of course! This makes total sense.

One of my big self-discoveries in my poly persuits is that I need to remember to make myself the priority. My primary relationship is with me.

The moment I run out of time with me, that’s when I need to step back, and either change the frequency with which I see lovers, flovers, and go on dates, or consider if there are some that need to go on pause or move to the back-burner. Another term I’ve heard recently, from my metamor Lily, is ‘dating-lite’. I have to remind myself, there’s no ‘rules’ to this game except to strive for honesty in communication and respect of individuality. Nothing says I can’t be seeing one person weekly, another person bi-weekly, another monthly, and have the occasionally floverly fling, tryst, or orgy.

Its lovely to see how each relationship can unfold in its own unique dynamic. Noel is great at being present to the moment. I’ve noticed that he doesn’t express an attachment to “I have to see you”. Its more like, “Hey, we should hang out again soon. When can we do that?”.

If you aren’t sure just how delighful I find this, then I invite you to check out this video, introduced to me by Margareta. Cringe. Omigod, I never want to be one of those poly people who pull out their schedule to give you that one day of the week they are gonna be able to see you. I know it works for some people. Most certainly doesn’t work for me. Big turn off.

I do, however, need a schedule of some kind.

So here’s what I’ve done.

I’ve asigned days in my week I can go on dates. Its marked in my google calander. Repeating event: Dates. Two nights a week, with a possible third night put aside for ‘light’ dates- you know, the more “hey lets just chill” kind of dates. Then there’s also two nights a week for Me. That’s my time to take myself out for dinner, or yoga, or go dancing. And the rest are pretty flexible. Social nights. Alternative date nights if I need to switch things around.

There we go. A loose structure. And its not like I’m attached to seeing every single lover and flover every single week. In fact, its much sweeter and more delightful when there is space between. Time to process, discover, learn, grow more curious.

My end conclusion in all this?

Really, its not about dating all the people. Or sleeping with all the people.

I’m so clear now that I need to focus my relationships on people who can communicate with ferocious honesty and vulnerability. People I can feel connection, friendship,  camaraderie and a general sense of kinship with. People who share a similar perspective and passion for creativity and spirituality, and are willing to play with combining all of that in bed. And right now, I’m getting that. Oh fuck yes, I am getting that. And still-

Perhaps I’m not as polysaturated as I thought I was.

Maybe- just maybe- there is indeed room for a few more in this current mix.

Perhaps, lots more, depending on the dynamics of things.

And as long as I keep the balance in dedicating time for and with myself, staying in integrity to my values, I think I can step forward and dare to share the love a little more!