Being Poly

the mechanics of being polyamarous

Ménage à Matrimony

MelC 1 Comment

Alright, let’s get something straight.

I think married people are awesome. Couples are awesome. Two people who make a life long commitment to one another, and stick to it through thick and thin: they frickin rock. I am in awe of this kind of commitment.

Now, that is not to say that I do not occasionally feel the sting of singleism.

I won’t deny that this phenomena is real, and it can be very frustrating.

But, I adore dating married people. And when I say “married people”, I’m including those who are in committed long term common-law type relationships.

So, yes, I said it! I love dating married people!

Well, let’s be clear: not all marriages are the same. Having been in a marriage that was falling apart and attempting to glue itself back together under a guise of non monogamy, I feel I might have a better sense of what the warning signs might be when I meet a couple in a committed long term relationship who are doing the same thing, and coming to poly from an attitude of scarcity.

It’s very different from folks who come at it from an abundance perspective. Partners have to be willing to share- and I don’t mean in the “Please sleep with my husband cos I sure as hell don’t want to have sex with him anymore!” way (been there, done that).

Opening up a long term committed relationship is, I think, the ultimate litmus test for the viability of that relationship.  So, getting involved with married people can be challenging.

Here are the questions I ask:

1) What is their relationship to their partner? How is it defined? How long have they been together? How long have they been open?

2) What are the other relationships in their lives? Other partners? Kids?

3) What are they looking for? Why is it they want another relationship?

If I feel comfortable with those answers, I find I’m then curious to meet their partner and observe the home dynamic- this is especially true if there are kids involved. I dated one man who didn’t have children with his partner, but the way he spoke about her was full of praise, and I knew his other long term partner through several mutual friends. So, sometimes there’s exceptions.

Anyway, I think it’s important to have a date zero with the family. I had this when I was seeing Nate last year, and I also had this when Loki and I started seeing one another. Having done things that way, if someone married with kids did not invite me to meet their partner and children before diving in to anything more, I would just say no. That’s a red flag. Why on earth would you disregard your child in favor of getting laid? Those are values I can’t connect with. In my personal life philosophy, children are of paramount importance, and someone who would dismiss or disregard the needs of a growing human is not someone I’m going to be able to feel much respect for.

So, why do I love dating married people?

I am singleish because I do not want a life long relationship right now. I don’t want to get married and have babies and live in a picket fence house or share a bank account or any of that stuff that couples do. I tried it, and it wasn’t for me. But there’s a lovely stability that can come with that. When I date someone who is married, and get to know their children, their spouses, and the other people in their life, I get to become part of a tribe. I’m an independently functioning member of that tribe, it’s true, but that tribe is there. And some amazing friendships have formed as a result of this dynamic.

For a marriage to survive,  generally speaking people have to have their shit together More or less. At the very least, they have to be working on having their shit together. Especially if it’s been opening up to more relationships. It would be hard to find a long-term couple who had been poly for more than a couple of years and were still having problems, cos if problems arise you have to learn to either sit down and communicate, courageously, or you stop being non-monogamous.

What this means, of course, is that married people who are doing their work on themselves have a tendency to be really good at relationships. And that, for starters, is hugely appealing.

Also, married people won’t demand a huge amount of your time. They tend to not be needy. And they certainly won’t be putting pressure on you to settle down with them. How frickin awesome is that?

And, okay, realistically, it is paramount to keep in mind that you will not come first for someone who is married and has children. You may not even come first for someone who is married and doesn’t have children. But- that’s okay. Because- at least for me- there is always a person who makes sure that I come first- and that person is me!

None of this precludes the idea of loving, fulfilling relationships with someone who is married.

In summary, I think married people make ideal people to date if you are singleish, and I celebrate the fact that I know so many wonderful fantastic awesome married poly people today!

Forever Flirtatious

MelC Leave a comment

http://kimchicuddles.com/

In July, this blog turns one year old.

I started the blog as a means of processing out loud and sharing my experiences and insights into an entirely different approach to relationships. And, okay, so we have already established that monogamy ain’t my thing-

What about life long relationships?

After a few months of dipping my toes into polyamory and the poly community I became disenchanted. People I met seemed, for the most part, to be seeking ‘forever’ relationships (in whatever multiples came along- some have called it ‘multiple monogamy’), and if that wasn’t their thing, they were prowling for purely transitory relationships (or as I like to call them- ‘poly filla’ relationships that occupy one’s time between the forever relationships), and well- neither of those are me.

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Polyfilla Relationships: Multipurpose; Shrink and Crack Resistant!

Though I admit I miss the consistency of daily companionship, and the daydreaming together of what kind of home we will make etc, that  nesting dynamic just isn’t me. Maybe it was, once upon a time. All my life I thought that what I wanted was to have children, but when I experienced my first miscarriage, back in 2009, something in me began to shift. I didn’t birth a new life into this world- instead I birthed a new life in to Me.

Part of my determination to remain Singleish has been because I don’t want to fall into the pattern of looking for a primary ‘prince charming’, nor do I want the complacency of a relationship where we become dependent on one another. What I want, more than anything, is the adventure of learning about myself and growing through relationships.

“It is so beautiful what happens when we define relationship success solely in terms of whether we have learned from it, expanded from it, grown to the next stage on our spiritual journey. How can it ever be a complete defeat? It took such courage to brave it all, to make love with the divine, to touch God through our vulnerable heart. This is not to say that we don’t grieve love’s disappointments, but to remind us of the opportunity that lives at the heart of every farewell. A little scar tissue can go a long way on the path to presence.”

~Jeff Brown

Conscious relationships are where it’s at. Sometimes they don’t go where you had hoped they might, but that process of being in relationships where you can grow your definition of who you are- that makes all the difference.

It’s not about finding people I can grow old with. It is not about dying together. It is about loving and living, and sharing that. It is about collaboratively discovering our capacities to expand the love we experience exponentially. I’m not looking for people who will be present with me till the day I die. I seek to spend time with people who can be present with me in my mad passionate love affair with the universe.

However long I get to share that for with someone- awesome!

Am I afraid of being alone my whole life? No. In fact, I rather crave it. I miss the solitude and self reflection time. I yearn to take off on solo adventures. There’s moments- yes there’s moments- when I wish I had that security of knowing someone’s got my back. But I had the ‘security’ before, when I was married, and it took away all the adventure.

Do I want to have someone to grow old with? Well, hang on a second- I’m only thirty one. I have no intention of “growing old” until I’m at least eighty. That’s fifty years away. And even if I were to start before then- say when I hit menopause, around 45 maybe- how the hell can I be sure that what I choose now will be what I want then? That’s fifteen years down the line. Do you know what I wanted to do with my life fifteen years ago? I wanted to be an Oscar winning actress living in a loft apartment in New York. That was all I could think about. I was a real life Rachel Berry.

Rachel Berry, the would-be starlet of the Glee Club, and my high-school doppelganger.

Not any more.
Besides- where’s the fun in growing old? It is only in the last few years that I feel like I have been able to feel young for the first time.

If I really did give birth to a ‘new life’- one that resides within me- in 2009, that life is now four years old. We’re still in kindergarten. Elementary school is a year away. There’s no rush. Plenty of time to explore and adventure and play.

People ask me what I mean when I say that I am ‘poly and single-ish’.

It means I’m looking for loving relationships that aren’t just ‘in the moment’ poly-filla flings; I want connections with substance where everyone involved can participate in the ever unfolding journey of self-growth. It means I don’t want to get attached to ‘forever’ in relationships, ambling hand in hand with someone on the way to our deaths. It means I want to live, being perpetually open to all the joy and wonder and passion and love available in any moment- and to share that joire de vivre with as many people as I feel inspired to.

And that, I suppose- that is why I created this blog. Thanks for being part of the adventure!

Needing Novelty

MelC Leave a comment

“I want to explore more of our connection. I feel like we are moving towards something that will be exciting and profound.”

I gazed out at the full moon, bright in the sky above us, smiling through the bittersweet sadness I had been feeling. “Me too,” I said. “And, I know we will.”

Bathed in moonlight, Orion and I sat and talked. We shared for three hours about how we have been feeling, about the new things we have been realizing in our lives and our relationships.

There can be sadness in poly.

I have had nothing but compersion for Miranda and Orion since they started their relationship, but sometimes, it triggers sadness in me.

They have beautiful chemistry- I see how they both come alive when they are around one another, and it makes me happy to see these two people I adore experiencing that joy and excitement. They’ve had some bumps in the road the last few months, but ones that ultimately have proven to be positive and transforming.

At the same time, however, Orion and I have noticed our own dynamic shifting. We are no longer in “N.R.E.” or “New Relationship Energy”. That warm glowing tingly feeling has given way to something we have nick-named “F.R.E.” or “Familiar Relationship Energy”. The longevity of the friendship we had before becoming intimate has given our relationship a depth that is profound, and we learn from one another every time we spend time together. But, something has been missing, something has been out of sync.

Orion and I both have had long term relationships where sex became an ‘obligation’. The “peck-peck, poke-poke” approach isn’t something either of us enjoyed in those relationships, nor is it something we want to experience ever again- least of all with one another. And so we have embraced an attitude of moving with authenticity in our relationship. When we feel the chemistry connecting, we follow it to where it leads us. And lately, that chemistry has not had much intimacy in it.

I wonder sometimes if it is me. If I am ‘broken’. I’ve been dealing with some body pain issues in the last few months which have impacted my level of confidence in my sexiness, and that has brought up a lot of feelings of insecurity in me. And, I can count on one hand how many times I have had sex this year. I am longing for more intimacy. I am yearning for it. I can’t just keep giving those full body rippling orgasms to myself. It is something that really, I want to share. I need to share.

Miranda and Orion have been diving deeper into their relationship, and I am joyful and compersive, but also find myself confronted with my own sadness and longing. I remember fondly the feeling of NRE I had with Orion, and I want to feel that again. I am sad that someone else is getting to experience something that I’m not able to experience right now. And that sadness runs deep, into a deeper part of my psyche that I still need to explore, triggering all sorts of insecurities from childhood.

In general, I am happy with the relationships in my life right now. I’m able to balance my work life and my love life, and the relationships I maintain each have their own beautiful dynamic, and they seem to work, well, synergistically.

But- I would love to have more sex. And, oh my god, I want to have more sex with Orion. I want to make love to the whole frickin Universe with him.

There’s a dilemma with this: whilst I have the time for more sex, I don’t feel I have time for more Relationship. And I don’t want random sex. It takes too long for me to trust someone and let down my guards to feel that full heart-opening sexual experience. But there isn’t anyone in my life right now that ‘fits the bill’ so to speak.

Intriguingly, Orion and I have both noticed that we experience more chemistry together when one or both of us has been diving into new relationships, and experiencing sexual satisfaction with others. We spent a while the other night, under the moon, talking about the potential pros of having relationships that were purely poly-sexual experiences, and the challenge of finding people to have such relationships with where there can be trust, but no strings attached.

Hrm. Sex with people we can trust, who can be friends without being an emotionally involved relationship. Maybe some readers know where this is going?

It is really too early to say how this is going to develop. There are so many other factors to consider, and whether this is something we explore together or with other partners remains to be seen. There’s a few people I’m going to talk to, get some ideas, suggestions, perhaps even some invitations? Orion and I know we want to awaken our chemistry together again, to get back to that place of mind-bending physical and emotional delight that we know we can share with one another, and the path to get there involves unpacking a lot of layers of stuff, and having lots of open and fiercely honest conversations with ourselves as well. Novelty, we agree, is something that both of us thrive on.

Novelty Relationship Energy. It’s gotta be a thing.

“Thank you,” Orion said as we hugged goodnight.
“For what?” I asked, eyelids a flutter.
“For walking the walk. Other people talk about compersion and such. You really do it. I learn so much from you. I have never shared my life so openly with anyone. Thank you.”

Sigh. This man takes my breath away. I don’t know that I have ever received a compliment quite like that. I’m excited to see how our relationship continues to evolve, and I don’t ever want to take what we share for granted.

Pokemon Polyamory

MelC 5 Comments

“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.” -George Carlin

Polyamory is not Pokemon.

You do not need to ‘catch them all’.

Granted, there are some similarities between the popular cult video-game/collectible card game and polyamory. Every pokemon has different abilities, just as every partner has different qualities, and you seek to build a collection of pokemon where the skill sets are balanced for best success, just as in polyamory you might seek to build relationships with people of varying talents to enjoy a wide spectrum of needs being met, and a satisfying variety of people in your life. But, that’s about where the similarities end.

My experience has been that, under the topic “Reasons to be Poly”, everything falls into one of two main categories:

1) A need for validation. Lacking self-confidence, self-esteem, and/or joire de vivre, people look for multiple partners in order to fill a void in their life.

2) A feeling that one has so much love and affection to share, that sharing with just one person will not be sufficient. Creative, enthused about life, the universe, and everything, people seek multiple partners in order to have multiple outlets of expression for their passions..

Now, I started off in polyamory looking for validation. I freely admit that. I was one of those people in an unhappy marriage seeking something more fulfilling. A long period of depression, and a short bout with suicidal depression, and my self esteem was rock bottom. I needed more than what my husband was giving me in order to ‘feel good’ about myself, and so I sought that from outside. I broke up my marriage and only one thing was on my mind: to date all the people.

I’ve been a master at using dating to distract me from the really important things in my life. You know, things like getting myself organised, growing, learning, developing, evolving. Oh, and earning a living too. That’s important too- can’t forget that!

When that happens, I’m letting my insecurities control my actions and interactions. I become ultra needy and, personally, I find neediness to be a very unsexy quality.

On the other hand, when I’ve spent time focusing on myself, doing the things that I know enhance my physical, emotional, and mental well-being, I naturally find my confidence again and can pursue relationships with a sense of ease, fulfillment, and satisfaction. It is no longer about “I need you… and you…. and you.” It becomes about “I want to share with you. And you. And you.” And that- that’s a lot more loving, don’t you think?

It was pointed out to me that this concept is resonant of the “Scarcity Mentality” talked about in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

On the topic of Scarcity vs Abundance, Stephen Covey writes:

Most people are deeply scripted in what I call the scarcity mentality. They see life as having only so much, as though there were only one pie out there. And if someone were to get a big piece of the pie, it would mean less for everybody else.

The scarcity mentality is the Zero-Sum paradigm of life. People with a scarcity mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power or profit- even with those who help in the production. They also have a very hard time being genuinely happy for the success of other people.

The abundance mentality, on the other hand, flows out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is the paradigm that there is plenty out there and enough to spare for everybody. It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity.

Um, see how this applies to relationships too?

Many people seeking monogamous relationships act from this attitude of “there’s only one pie”, and will fight everyone else for the right to that pie.

Likewise, there’s some people in polyamory who like to- how can I put it- stock-pile all the pies? Date all the people immediately. They can really really embrace their inner ethical slut, and have three or four dates in a day (guilty!) and keep dating all those people, even if only at a superficial level. Can you blame them? It is really nice to have a pie collection. To look at the pie, not eat the pie, not yet. Maybe preserve the pies and put them on pie stands and say “look what lovely pies I have!” and only be willing to share the pie with their friends. Maybe.

Lately, I am embracing the experience that there is actually plenty of pie to go around. I can share the pie. The pie will not run out. This is perpetual pie, a bottomless dish of pie, and you don’t realize how amazing that is till you start actually eating the pie and discover there is no bottom to this pie it goes on forever!

Have I lost you in the metaphors? Let me summarize.

Scarcity-Driven Polyamory aka Pokemon Polyamory

Seeking partners primarily for self validation purposes.
Feeling insecure when partners are with other partners.
Comparing one’s self to others.
Ignoring the needs of other partners.
Wanting one’s own needs to be partners’ top priority.
Talking more than listening.
Dating people without being attracted to them.
Needing more partners.

Abundance-Driven Polyamory aka Infinite Pie Polyamory

Choosing partners who are doing their work on themselves.
Feeling compersion easily.
Confident in self identity.
Understanding of where their own needs and their partners’ needs overlap and coincide.
Balancing own needs with the needs of all relationships.
Listening more than talking.
Dating people they are incredibly drawn to, the thought of whom electrifies them.
Feeling satisfied even if not dating anyone at all.

Obviously, nobody is perfect. I fully admit I have my moments of freak out where I think someone else is, um, eating all my pie, and there will be none left for me. Generally, that happens for a few days every month, coinciding with those days where all I want to do is curl up and devour chocolate. I like to think, however, if I can recognize this behavior in myself when it happens, that I can avoid acting from it. I can acknowledge if I’m being overly needy, selfish, or distracted by more superficial things. And, if I need to, I can take some time for myself.

I do not have to let my insecurities rule my life- not in relationships or in any other aspect of my life.

There is, after all, always more pie.

Much gratitude to ElkFeather and Orion for the conversations that inspired this article and the support in editing and completing it. I love you.

Present and Playful

MelC 12 Comments

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As the words singleish and polysingleish begin to squeeze their way into the poly lexicon (hurrah! I am an inventor of words!) I feel compelled to offer a refinement of how I define being ‘singleish’, and why I chose to name this blog ‘Polysingleish’.

It is very simple.

I am singleish. I do not have, nor do I currently seek, a primary partner.

I am also polyamorous. I form multiple, open, honest, very loving relationships, with full knowledge of all those I am involved with.

Some of my relationships develop with longevity, and this sometimes confuses people with the way I describe myself as singleish. Despite the longevity these relationships have, I don’t view them as primary partners. I love the idea that right now, there’s these two beautiful beings- whose long established friendship has lent the longevity to our intimate and loving connections-  who will remain in my life through the years. But I have no intention of ‘shacking up’.

Many people have commented to me about my relationship with Orion. Someone even asked me the other day if he was my Primary. I smiled.

There’s a strength to our connection that arises from the bond of our friendship and our common outlooks on life, love, and spirituality. Like me, Orion considers himself singleish. He actually might be more singleish than I am, and maybe one day my gentle nudging will see him publish some of what he has written about his philosophical take on this whole poly and singleish thing. Orion and I are both equally present with one another, whilst being unattached to the notion that this connection has to forge itself into a recognizable thing. It is a very powerful and ever evolving dynamic.

Everything in my relationships, as in my life, moves with a certain degree of fluidity and zen-like detachment. I’ve heard some people say this kind of every changing lifestyle must be crazy, yet I find it liberating because of what it challenges me to do.

I really have no choice but to be present to the moment. Allowing each moment to be so engaging that my mind cannot possibly dwell anywhere else.

What I desperately never want to do is stagnate or have things stay the same. Static relationships or connections do nothing for me.

Every day I develop a deeper understanding about how this Joy comes about through having no expectations. This ‘being present’ thing isn’t some new age mumbo jumbo. It isn’t about detaching myself from anything. It’s about bringing myself to be so overwhelmingly present to what I am experiencing right here, in this NOW, that nothing else but this moment matters. It’s about giving my heart- as well as my mind- permission to be fully engaged. To just feel whatever I am feeling and stay playful.

My only ‘struggle’ is how to define myself to the general public and world at large. I have no automatic ‘plus one’ for social or business things. I can refer to Emma as ‘my girlfriend’ and people can innocently assume it is just a platonic thing- after all, she is a married woman! I can walk into a party in the arms of one man, and leave in the arms of another. I can be on a date and still be flirting with someone I bump into. Inevitably, when someone starts asking me about my dating life, I can’t really hold back about it. I’m open and honest about it, and I’ve had more than a few raised eyebrows. It is kind of awesome, really, that I have yet to have any hugely negative responses from coworkers or new friends.

So, here I am. Poly. Singleish. Present. Playful.
Me.

The Compersion Conundrum

MelC 12 Comments

Compersion: Describing an empathetic state of happiness and joy brought about by knowing or witnessing the happiness and joy of another individual. Often used to describe the positive feelings an individual can experience when a lover is enjoying another relationship. Considered to be the opposite of jealousy.

Polyamory: The practice, state or ability of having more than one intimate, physical, loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. 

How, and when, do you let your other partners know you are interested in someone else? When do you tell them when you are now seeing someone new?

I find I am fairly laisez-faire when it comes to this. I don’t expect anyone to be beholden to me in relationships, just as I wouldn’t expect to be beholden to them. Still, though, I like good healthy communication, and I am always curious to know about my lovers’ other lovers. I have friends who have joked that I seem to be immune to jealousy. I wouldn’t say that I am totally immune. Just that my capacity for compersion in most cases out weighs the jealous part of my brain.

I’m uber compersive. I can feel compersion at the drop of a hat- at the sight of strangers walking arm in arm down the street; as my friend tells me about his first romantic getaway with his girlfriend; when I am having dinner with a new crush and his wife and see them get snuggly together; even reading gooey Facebook statuses will have me in compersion. I will admit, there are times I even feel compersion and jealousy simultaneously- like they are battling in my head for supremacy. There’s a rationale process that usually wins over and compersion triumphs. See, Jealousy just wouldn’t be logical.

And even so, I cannot feel compersion if I do not know something is happening.

The network of cross-connections amongst my sweeties and metamours is complex- and with so many interwoven relationships, it is healthy to remember to treat every person as an individual, and to honor each relationship as the unique and dynamic phenomena it is. I’ve struggled with this a lot in the past. I think I am getting through that finally.

Well, almost. I found myself tested on that this week.

For a while now I’ve happily watched a flirtatious relationship develop between Orion and one of my best friends, Miranda. The friendship Miranda and I share is one of the closest platonic friendships in my life, and I really value that. I’ve rejoiced at her explorations into polyamory, celebrated her NRE, cried with her heartbreaks. We are bonded by many commonalities in our backgrounds and lifestyles. A few months ago we talked about the possibility of someone wanting to date both of us, and decided it would be weird, tricky, messy. We are in each other’s lives on a daily basis. We share a lot of things; sharing lovers seemed like taking things too far. But I started to see the chemistry between Orion and Miranda, and knew that something was likely to happen.

Orion talked to me about his crush on Miranda a couple of months ago, and I said that he should just go for it. I knew she was attracted to him. I love him, and I love Miranda, and I want them to explore and enjoy. I feel totally confident in the uniqueness of what I share with Orion, and I know how much he has taught me through being my lover- there’s no feeling of ‘I might be replaced’, which could come up in a newer relationship. Orion and Miranda? I instantly knew, right in my gut, that this was a good thing, and something that needed to happen.

I was therefore totally unprepared for the fit of anxiety and jealousy that came upon me when I found out, after the fact, that Miranda had spent the night at Orion’s.

Perhaps the weirdest part was that I had dreamt about it… in those sleepy moments of almost-wakefullness, I dreamt I heard Orion’s and Miranda’s voices talking. When I woke up, it hit me right then- she must have been at his place. But why wouldn’t I know? Shouldn’t I have known?

A little gentle prodding, and Miranda let on that this was, indeed, what had happened. I spent the day questioning myself. Should anyone have told me? Was this something I had some god-given right to know? Not really. Miranda’s always been good at keeping me up to date on her latest goings on. Orion has always told me when he’s got a new crush that might develop into more. And with Orion, I have never felt anything but happiness about him developing his other relationships. I have never wanted anyone to be beholden to me about anything in relationships. All I ever ask of my partners is ‘please be present with me, please communicate with me, please honor our connection whatever it may be’.

So why was I so upset?

I played through alternative scenarios in my head- what if I had known? What if, when Miranda had texted me that she wasn’t free that evening, she had mentioned ‘I’m at Orion’s’? How would I have reacted? I think I’d have sent her a thumbs up and a ‘Yay! Have fun!’ I feel like I was kinda denied that instant compersion because, well, I didn’t know it was happening, and you cannot feel compersion for something you don’t know is happening. The Big Sister in me feels sad that I was left out of knowing about something that I was really excited about, even though it had nothing to do with me. It’s not that I feel there’s an obligation to let me know every little detail. I just feel that in a spirit of perpetual openness, why hide something that might be relevant for someone to know? It’s not like I need a play by play detailed account. And going forward, it isn’t something I need to get too involved in. I just wish I’d had that opportunity to feel the compersion first, before the jealousy. I’m still uncertain how I should have found out though.

I’ve talked about this with both of them now. I think things are all good. We’ve all learned something out of this.

pompomThis experience has taught me something very important about myself and how I process things. I like to know what’s happening! Once I have shared my love with someone, that is not something I can take back, and even if I am no longer involved, I love to know that they are experiencing beautiful, happy things in their life. I had a huge grin on my face last night as ElkFeather told me about a girl he has a crush on. She’s someone I know peripherally, and I feel like they would be a really lovely pair. I’m rooting for them. This discovery of my desire for compersion brings me as well to understand the frustration I have felt with some other situations in my life: I think two exes of mine are now seeing each other. But I really have no idea. I just pick up on things, and it is sometimes enfuriating to be in the void of ‘not-knowing’. I get a little resentful of it. I’m not sure that there’s any obligation to tell me, of course. But again, they are two people whom I can see being incredibly compatible together  and I just wish I knew for sure if that was actually the case, so I can cheer them on!

I acknowledge this might make me one of the strangest people on the planet. I’ve just never found the head-in-the-sand approach worked very well for me. Whilst looking up definitions of compersion for this article I came across a book, “Compersion: Using Jealousy As A Path To Unconditional Love“, and I think that this concept- that you can transmute jealousy into a positive experience that brings about a feeling of emotional expansiveness- accurately summarizes one of the things I absolutely adore about polyamory: it challenges me on every ounce of selfishness and past-attachment, and the only way through all of that is by continually working on myself to find that place of natural (not forced) unconditional loving. When jealousy turns into compersion, it is a beautiful thing indeed. And I don’t like the feeling of being denied that opportunity to experience compersion with any loves, whether they are still a central feature of my life, or not.

Polynormativity and the New Poly Paradigm.

MelC 7 Comments

The media presents a clear set of poly norms, and overwhelmingly showcases people who speak about and practice polyamory within those norms…. polyamory is presented as a hip new trend that edgy straight folks are trying out, and boy, are they ever proud of it. 

~ Sex Geek, “the problem with polynormativity”

This article on polynormativity, quoted and linked to above, appeared recently on poly-friendly blog Sex Geek, and has triggered shouts of joy from those for whom poly-normativity isn’t a part of their paradigm, with contrasting outcries from those for whom polynormativity is a valid and functioning structure for their relationship style.

Im-With-ThemWhat is polynormativity? SexGeek defines it as four norms being perpetuated by the media:

  1. Polyamory starts with a couple
  2. Polyamory is hierarchical
  3. Polyamory requires a lot of rules.
  4. Polyamory is heterosexual-ish. Also cute and young and white. Also new and exciting and sexy.

Sex Geek goes on to highlight three key problems she has with polynormativity:

  1. It’s a hierarchical model that can come with a host of problems for everyone involved  in part because rigid adherence to rules can ignore the emotional and physical needs of individuals.
  2. The media presents polynormatvity as the way to do Poly.
  3. The perpetuation of this norm screws over newcomers to poly who do not line up with those four norms.

I think it’s important for us in the Poly community to engage in discussion about the many ways to have multiple open and ethical, loving and intimate relationships. Your poly may not be my poly, but our ways of being poly can co-exist, and can even be compatible.

Once upon a time, if you weren’t straight, you were simply ‘gay’. We now possess a much richer lexicon for describing sexual orientation and identity. The ethically non-monogamous world has still too few descriptive labels to really accurately capture the full spectrum of how people approach their relationships. Swinger, monogamish, polyamorous… these few words are insufficient.

I have no problem with people who practise polynormativity. In fact, many friends from within the poly world are arguably in relationships more closely resembling polynormativity than anything else.

But, I look at my own personal relationship style in comparison and, well:

  1. I’m not part of any couple, I’m single… ish.
  2. The only hierarchical structure in place for me is that my own needs take top priority at all times.
  3. If I am in a relationship with someone who has a primary with rules and guidelines set out for how they take on new lovers and partners, then I will gladly respect and accomodate to these as long as I’m not beng taken advantage of or treated as a lesser being. In my own life, too many rules are restrictive, and I prefer ever evolving guidelines. My only non-negotiables are disclosure about STIs and testing, and honest assertive communication.
  4. I’m definitely bisexual, of mixed ethnicity, and whilst I am often told I am cute and exciting, I think all it is, is I’m just doing my best to be the most awesome me I can be!

Polynormalcy has its role, and has its value. For many it’s the first exposure to the idea of polyamory as a ‘thing’, as something beyond just straight up swinging with no emotional involvement. But it’s not what works for everyone. Being in a monogamous-primary partnership before opening up is a huge leap. It takes dedication, and the couples I know who have been able to make it work have, for the most part, done some kind of counselling or therapy together at some point in the journey, with a professional who ‘gets’ and understands open relationship dynamics.

Unicorns ahead!

Unicorns ahead!

I arrived to polyamory through an attempt at polynormativity. I was in a primary relationship, married. We were unicorn hunters for a while. After having one night of drunken unicorn fun, I realized I wanted more. We played with the idea of dating outside, but he wasn’t comfortable with me dating other men. I went ahead and did it anyway and had an affair. Eventually, for various reasons, our relationship unravelled.

Once single I thought that I now had a mission to find a new primary. Thats how it goes, right? You find a primary, and then add secondaries. I met someone who, like me, was single and polycurious. In our oxytocin fuelled rapture for one another, and innocent naivety about things poly, we thought, “Oh so we’re like primaries now,” first come first served, finders keepers. We attempted to develop something with a primary-esque flavour and needless to say it didn’t work. We broke up, despite the incredible passion between us.

Fuck, I thought, now what?

I spent hours analyzing the diagram of non monogamy, trying to picture myself in various different scenarios. Nothing quite fitted with what I wanted- and still want- a freedom without boxes. It didn’t seem to exist, at least no one was writing about it. So many people were reading Dan Savage and toting the word monogamish around. Even on OkCupid, single and coupled folks alike were using the term. And, though it didn’t really suit where I was feeling I might fit, it gave me the inspiration. And that was how I came to decide I was Singleish.

And that’s why I am here. This is why I write Polysingleish. Why I am coining new terms to try out within the poly lexicon.

We can only feel a sense of belonging and identity when we find the language with which to describe ourselves.

I am passionate about finding a voice for us non ‘polynormative’ folks who don’t have a primary partner, who pursue poly with as much love and fire as anyone else, who break down the boxes of preconceived notions and write our own individual and unique paradigms  I knew I needed to write this because I couldn’t find anyone else writing about the relationship things I was experiencing. I didn’t see anyone connecting the philosophy of self relationship to keeping sanity within poly relationship fluidity the way I found I was connecting them in my journals.

Polynormative has done much to bring poly and non monogamy into the arena of public awareness and discussion. And, it will probably continue to do so. I do believe it is now time to add poly-alternative to the mix. There are so many ways to be non monogamous, and there are so many ways to do so ethically. So many ways to be polyamorous  with multiple emotional and sexual loving relationships in our lives!

The danger with polynormativity is that newbies to poly encounter it first because it is so prevalent and proliferated now in subculture. Amidst confusion of how to navigate open relationships it offers a clear structure, yes, but it is one that doesn’t actually work for everyone. And for folks like myself who come to it single, or start in a marriage that ends and find themselves partnerless… there has to be something for us. About us.

Bottom line? There’s no single ‘right’ way to ‘do poly’ or ‘be poly’.

There’s many many ways to be ethically non-monogamous in multiple loving and intimate relationships, and over time we all figure out which way brings us the most happiness.

And, perhaps the time has come to start getting the non-normative models of polyamory into the public eye and craft out a language for this new poly paradigm.

singleish

O Brave New World!

MelC 5 Comments

I’m sitting here, waiting for the bath to run, listening to the pitter-patter of rain and the exploding Halloween fireworks outside, and I am feeling so incredibly lonely and alone.

I question my life choices far more than I should.

What if my mom was right? What if ‘sexually deviant’ people can never be happy? What if there really is no silver lining in all this. Have I been foolish? My heart yearns so badly to have connection with one person, let alone multiple people, and at every turn I find myself feeling disillusioned, disappointed, distracted, defeated.

I want to love with every pore of my being. And I don’t want to limit it. And I’m tired of feeling the connections of love that I build cut short.

WordPress says that the writing assignment this week is to write on the theme “I wish I were”.

Some days, I wish I were monogamous and straight.

I wish I could have had a more ‘traditional’ life. That I could be like the happy housewives, starting their families, looking after their homes, their babies, their husbands; preparing large festive meals for their family and friends; attending community functions and being a productive member of their society. I wish I were able to fathom what that life could be like with me in it.

I wish I were able to stay focussed and devoted to just one person in an intimate monogamous relationship. That I were content with one man and one man only.

However, that isn’t my reality. I tried the mono-hetero thing. 8 years. I was miserable, unhappy, and only began to find joy in my life again when I started to see the possibilities of a poly and bisexual lifestyle.

I spent some time today hanging out with my ex-husband, Finn. People are sometimes surprised that we are still friends, that we still talk, and share with each other what’s going on in our lives. Our separation was so entirely mutually amicable that there’s not really any ‘bad-blood’ between us, and for that I’m grateful. I do miss his company some times. Not the pot-smoking, or his body odor, or boring sex, or frustrating way of doing things, but I do miss his company.

We used to cuddle up on the couch almost every night and watch a tv series, usually sci-fi. We went through Stargate, Farscape, Battlestar Gallactica, Fringe… sometimes we would watch comedy movies, like Blades of Glory, or epic action adventure superhero movies like The Watchmen. He knew my ups and downs, understood my frustrations with my mother, and over the years he learnt how to read when I was just tired versus really depressed. Out of every one who is a regular feature in my life today, he has known me the longest. And so it really hit home this afternoon when he shared with me that he’d had a dream a couple of weeks ago that we were sitting on the couch, cuddled up, watching a movie just like we used to do, and that he missed that- because I miss that too.

Not that we are going to get back together. That’d be a most resounding “no”. We’ve had a good laugh at the very divergent relationship paths we have taken. He’s in a really beautiful, loving, monogamous relationship with a woman who I think is a perfect match for him. They compliment each other in wonderful ways, and I’ve seen that she brings out some of his best qualities, qualities I never saw come out when he and I were together. And I, on the other hand, have been a wild child- this summer especially- diving into the deep end, in many ways, to a world that I had for so long yearned to experience, and yet, never had, till now.

I miss the companionship. The comfort of that reliable relationship.
When I have longed so much for the freedom that this poly lifestyle affords me, when I have spent so many years with my real self pent up, why is it I feel so discontent and unhappy now?

I wish I could have more emotional detachment in my poly relationships. It’s a common misconception that poly people have some kind of immunity to feeling hurt, jealousy, anger, or any of those more shadowy-side of the emotional spectrum. Well, I can’t speak for everyone, I just know that I most certainly feel all of those, as equally as I feel the happier things like love, adoration, joy and contentment.

I can’t help but love someone. And love them completely. And want to share that love all-the-time. And maybe its the impatience in me that causes me so much grief, perhaps I want things so immediately that I rush into things with a wild abandon, only to grind to a halt when I realise I’m moving too fast and should stop to think things through.

What on earth do regular, normal people do? You know, those straight and monogamous ones? Is there some massive chapter in life skills, covering patience and virtue, self restraint and thoughtful consideration, and maintaining one’s emotional well being that I somehow missed out on entirely? Are there bi and poly people who have those skills too? If they do, how on earth did they learn them, and where can I sign up for the next course please?

I wish I were able to take a peek into the future. To look at myself in 10, 20, 50 years from now, and see what I’m doing. My hope would be that I’m happy, and content. Surrounded by people I adore and share mutual bonds of affection and love with. It would be so consoling to know that, despite the momentary ripples and tremors I experience day-to-day in my here and now, somewhere down the road there’s equilibrium waiting for me.

So much of my self-work the last few months has been about receptivity and my inability to be open to receiving. This has manifested in many ways- even down to my ability to let someone else give me an orgasm. Somewhere in my subconscious lies a pattern of diving into connections and then shutting down when they might be reciprocated fully, of refusing help from people who love me lest I seem weak, of stubbornly persisting in courses of action that I know will lead me nowhere and/or could cause me harm, a pattern of lashing out in anger at the people I care about the most when I feel my most vulnerable and scared.

In that preview of the future, I’d hope to see a me who is able to receive: who can trust the people she meets, rather than treat them as enemies first and friends later; a me who has forgiven all wrongs, including the mistakes I myself have made; a woman who can really walk-the-walk and talk-the-talk, and fully embody the core values she believes in and espouses. A me who is gentle with herself, and with others.

Interesting to note that in expressing that future vision, I don’t seem to care if I have a life-partner or not, or whether I have children of my own or not. I think I’ve trained myself to be unattached from the notion of either, even though deep down in my core, I know I still want both. It won’t look like anything that I had in my marriage with Finn. I honestly doubt, if it happens, that it will resemble any other relationship model I’ve known. But, there’s that fantasy lurking in the subtext of my mind- of the perfect picket-fence partnership, with plenty of poly playfulness- that needs to be acknowledged.

Yes, I am still looking for a life partner. Eventually. Not right now, though some long-term security and stability would be quite welcome. Can I do this while still being poly and singleish? I wish I were certain that I could. I’m not. I’d like to believe it’s possible. Only time- and a heck of a lot of patience- will reveal if it really is.

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

MelC 1 Comment

Polysaturation [noun]

Describing the phenomena of a poly-identified individual with a full dating/relationship schedule, unable to fit in- logisitically, physically, or emotionally- any new intimate relationships.

It was my friend Margareta who first introduced me to the phrase ‘poly-saturated’. I love it. Immediately groked it. And ever since it’s had me wondering- how do you know when you are polysaturated?

At first, I thought maybe its a logistical thing. I think back to a month ago when I was, I kid you not, going on dates for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Okay, maybe not all three in one day. I can easily skip a meal. My room-mate noticed that I cooked for myself only ONCE in that whole week. Thank god it calmed down as I began to realise the insanity of it, and I consciously backed away from any connections I wasn’t feeling overwhelmingly compelled towards in the moment.

Then I thought, maybe its an emotional thing. Perhaps there comes a point where your heart and/or mind can’t handle any more? I’ve caught myself on a few occasions being in bed with one lover and thinking of another- its a terrible feeling. Being present to each partner is a beautiful challenge, absolutely, and is a grand learning curve in mental self-discipline. I’m pleased to say I’m now finding my way around this- helped, perhaps, by the fact that the two main developing relationships I’m enjoying right now are both so delicious and colorful and exciting in their own unique ways.

So I moved on to considering it might be a physical limitation that lets you know you’re polysaturated. I mean, as sexy as I can feel, as turned on as I can be, there always is a point where enough is enough. I don’t think I’m the sort of person who could be having crazy mind blowing sex every day. I’d get bored. Not to mention I’d be exhausted. I tested myself on this recently- going through a weekend of lots and lots of intimacy (which was great, but felt lacking in intensity), to two weeks with no sex.

Yup, two weeks. Not even masturbating. Oh yeah. That was challenging. Went through a lot of chocolate.

It was good to experience and test myself at the extremes. And oh it was worth it for the earth shattering soul-shaking results.

My conclusion? For me, at least, two or three nights of crazy sex a week is a max. Need at least a day inbetween for rest and recharge. But a bit more time inbetween makes it all the more sweeter and enjoyable. Quality, not quantity.

I asked Noel about this idea of polysaturation last night in bed.

I’m immensely curious about his poly experiences. He has this beautiful no-drama attitude towards poly relationships (he attributes this to the positive influence of some wonderful people on the East Coast who were supportive when, several years ago, he and his wife began exploring opening up). Its refreshing, especially when the poly community where I live has grown very close knit and overlapping, and has been known to experience divisions and petty differences. Amidst this almost insular core poly group, Noel walks in with insight on non-monogamy that’s more than just a breath of fresh air; talking with him about poly and open dynamics is like sitting at an Oxygen Bar in zero gravity. (Does that analogy even make sense?) Oh, and the sheer joy on his face when he smiles is more delicious than a lindor chocolate ball…

Anyway, as I was saying. Noel’s got a very wonderful grounded approach to poly. So, talking last night about other lovers in our lives, he mentioned how at one point he had felt too much was going on, and so I asked him: how did you know when you were polysaturated? He pondered for a moment and then answered very simply: “When I no longer had any time for myself”.

Ahhhh.

There’s the answer.

Of course! This makes total sense.

One of my big self-discoveries in my poly persuits is that I need to remember to make myself the priority. My primary relationship is with me.

The moment I run out of time with me, that’s when I need to step back, and either change the frequency with which I see lovers, flovers, and go on dates, or consider if there are some that need to go on pause or move to the back-burner. Another term I’ve heard recently, from my metamor Lily, is ‘dating-lite’. I have to remind myself, there’s no ‘rules’ to this game except to strive for honesty in communication and respect of individuality. Nothing says I can’t be seeing one person weekly, another person bi-weekly, another monthly, and have the occasionally floverly fling, tryst, or orgy.

Its lovely to see how each relationship can unfold in its own unique dynamic. Noel is great at being present to the moment. I’ve noticed that he doesn’t express an attachment to “I have to see you”. Its more like, “Hey, we should hang out again soon. When can we do that?”.

If you aren’t sure just how delighful I find this, then I invite you to check out this video, introduced to me by Margareta. Cringe. Omigod, I never want to be one of those poly people who pull out their schedule to give you that one day of the week they are gonna be able to see you. I know it works for some people. Most certainly doesn’t work for me. Big turn off.

I do, however, need a schedule of some kind.

So here’s what I’ve done.

I’ve asigned days in my week I can go on dates. Its marked in my google calander. Repeating event: Dates. Two nights a week, with a possible third night put aside for ‘light’ dates- you know, the more “hey lets just chill” kind of dates. Then there’s also two nights a week for Me. That’s my time to take myself out for dinner, or yoga, or go dancing. And the rest are pretty flexible. Social nights. Alternative date nights if I need to switch things around.

There we go. A loose structure. And its not like I’m attached to seeing every single lover and flover every single week. In fact, its much sweeter and more delightful when there is space between. Time to process, discover, learn, grow more curious.

My end conclusion in all this?

Really, its not about dating all the people. Or sleeping with all the people.

I’m so clear now that I need to focus my relationships on people who can communicate with ferocious honesty and vulnerability. People I can feel connection, friendship,  camaraderie and a general sense of kinship with. People who share a similar perspective and passion for creativity and spirituality, and are willing to play with combining all of that in bed. And right now, I’m getting that. Oh fuck yes, I am getting that. And still-

Perhaps I’m not as polysaturated as I thought I was.

Maybe- just maybe- there is indeed room for a few more in this current mix.

Perhaps, lots more, depending on the dynamics of things.

And as long as I keep the balance in dedicating time for and with myself, staying in integrity to my values, I think I can step forward and dare to share the love a little more!

Strangers and Surprises

MelC 2 Comments

I may have had an epiphany today in the way I’m approaching things.

Well, several epiphanies perhaps.

1. There are three distinct types of relationships that can form right now: lovers in the moment, lovers who become friends, and friends who become lovers. Each one evolves at its own very distinct pace. And its really important for me to figure out quickly, if I’m attracted to someone, which one of these dynamics it might be.

2. The poly community is a small world. Actually, Vancouver is a small world. I’ve had a few cringing moments lately as I have been experiencing a new wave of ‘first dates’, realising that the person I’m on a date with knows someone else I once slept with, or seeing someone I was on a date with a few days prior come in to the same coffee shop where I’m having a date. Ah. Awkward. At what point do I say anything, really? There’s a level at which I say- is it even relevant? And another where I ask myself- what choice would have more integrity?

3. Its good to be clear up front about who I am. In my world, there are no inappropriate questions. If I’m going to be intimate with someone then they’ve got to be ok with my swearing, my quirky humor, my sudden spiritual rants, and all my other eccentricities.

4. Its ok to be patient. In fact, its probably better. This might mean I finally take the plunge and invest in some sex toys (yes, gasp, can you believe I don’t own any?).

5. It can be a lot of fun to meet strangers who you know almost nothing about. I’m endeavouring in my own process to trust my instinct more. Its been scarily accurate about a lot of stuff so might as well see what it can do for selecting who I go on dates with. So rather than engage in lengthy back and forth emails on OkCupid, if I get a good vibe from someone, I’ll say ‘lets meet’. Same on facebook with people from the poly groups who I haven’t met yet, but take a liking to from their comments and posts. The whole process of getting to know a total stranger is really pretty awesome, and can be filled with surprises rather than expectations that lead to disappointments. One recent coffee date, I fully expected a creepy old toothless guy (he uses a pseudonym on facebook and has almost no personal photos), and was very pleasantly surprised to find he was nothing of the sort. Its fun to meet strangers with whom you think you might click .If it ends up that I eventually get to know them naked too, well hey, that could be fun.
I spent a good deal of this summer enjoying a far more fluid lifestyle, travelling and transitioning. This was very conducive to a more fluid lovestyle too, with a lot of spontaneity and fun. But I have to shift gears now. As Joseph pointed out to me, its a small and very intimately connected community, and despite all the attention I’ve been getting, I really shouldn’t let that get to my head. I am relatively new on the scene, and its natural that everyone wants to know me I suppose. Well, who can blame them, I like to think I’m pretty damn awesome, and most certainly worth knowing! But right now, it feels like just a bit too much attention. Its distracting too.

I’m seriously considering avoiding all poly-centric events for a while. Or, if I do go, wearing a potato sack or a burqa. Even better- a potato sack and a burqa. Yes! There we go!

Sex and Sensuality

MelC Leave a comment

Alright, lets talk about Sex.

There’s so many different kinds of Sex, and yet most articles and books focus on what, to me, is the more superficial side of sex. There’s oodles of instruction manuals out there, try this position, massage here, etc. Very few people talk about the difference between sexuality and sensuality.

For myself, I crave intimacy in all sex. It’s not as simple as two or more hormonally compatible people getting eachother off. Been there, done that thankyou very much. I’ve had flings and trysts and even a few more long-term experiences like that and while it can be fun, it leaves me feeling drained and dry.

My body is more than just a mastrubation machine.

So what’s the intimacy? When there’s intellectual attraction and emotional attraction on top of the physical attraction, that’s where magic can start to happen. Add spiritual attraction and sparks will start to fly. And that doesn’t preclude one-night stands. Some of the best sex I have had has been spontaneously with people I hardly knew, yet felt an incredibly strong connection with.

Having more than one night a week of sexual extravagance seems to drain me; as much as I really love it, I also want to be able to function properly the next day!

I wonder how orgasms differ for men. I know that for myself there’s a vast repertoire. There’s clitoral orgasms, very different from vaginal orgasms. There’s small inward orgasms which are more like a tiny almost imperceptible squeal, and then there’s the full body quaking orgasms and the mind blowing full body squirting orgasm. And let’s not forget the peegasm. Yes. I said peegasm. Ladies- next time you go to the washroom, hold your pee and fantasize, and hold your pee some more, and then…release. I refuse to believe I’m the only person in the world who does this.

Then there’s the question of what type of foreplay gets you there. Some people need to be dominant. Some love to be submissive. Some are “switch” and enjoy both roles equally. Some people love to give pleasure- their joy is seeing someone else brought to orgasm by their handiwork. Some people are so in their heads they need to be teased in different and unpredictable ways or told stories in order to climax.

Personally, I love it all! One of the most exciting things about having multiple lovers is the variety I get to experience in bed- both in what I receive, and in what each different person brings out of me. Its impossible to get bored.

But the best part of sex? For me it’s in the moments just after the climax, when all your walls have dropped, when your sweet vulnerable soul is exposed to your lover, and theirs is exposed to you, and you can glimpse the truth in their eyes. It’s the gentle stroking of the skin in post-coital bliss, as every cell scintillates and glows with orgasmic delight. It’s the joyful surrender into the arms of someone you trust, as you feel them surrender back into your own arms. It’s the smell of bliss that permeates the room and cocoons you in its warm embrace as you offer up words of honesty that come bubbling forth from the core of your being. It’s that intimacy- when you feel that subtle merging of body and mind- that I crave more than anything.

Origins

MelC 1 Comment

Image

When did I first know I was polyamarous? There’s a loaded question.

Let’s start at the begining shall we?

Like many little girls born in the 80s, I grew up on a steady diet of Disney fairytales and Barbie dolls. And yet, when it came to my own make believe stories, I crafted out epic tales of a magical alter ego who had not just one, but three (yes, three!) ‘husbands’. I remember telling my mom the original story and being told, “No, no, no, you can only have one husband at a time!”. I went back and a few rewrites later, the story was adapted to fit the societal norms a little closer. Other make believe/fantasties seemed to be ripe with this common theme- more than one significant other.

I wonder now to what extent I was influenced by knowing the stories of my parent’s own pasts. My mother would tell me stories of her ex boyfriends, and I recall thinking that she still had a lot of love for them. And my father, well- prior to meeting my mother he had been living with his ex wife and his girlfriend all in the same house. I’m still not totally clear on how that dynamic worked. I do know that coming out to my dad was a whole lot easier than coming out to my mom. That’s a story for another post though.

I struggled with dating in high school. A lot. Mainly because I couldn’t make up my mind about who I wanted to date. At age 15 I had this complicated chart where I tracked the different boys I had a crush on, and who I was feeling more attracted to that day. Never dated a single one of the boys on that chart. On the other hand, my favorite game to play at parties was truth or dare. Somehow it would always end up being a game of getting everyone to kiss everyone else. I’m pretty sure I was, on more than one occasion, a tad aggressive about getting everyone to play. It was fun, kissing all my friends (wasn’t until 17 that I kissed a girl though) and I seemed to enjoy watching my friends make out with eachother too.

Despite the innocent kissing orgies, I remained ‘single’, with the average ‘relationship’ no longer than 2 weeks, right through till graduating from University.

The best piece of advice came to me out of the blue and from the most suprising source- my ex boyfriend, actually he was my first boyfriend, from when I was a tender 14 years old- we dated a whole two months, making it still, my fourth-longest ‘relationship’. Lets call him Chef, for the sake of this blog. We stayed good friends (and still chat frequently) and one day, after listening to me mope about relationships, he turned to me and said, “It’s not about finding your soul mate, M. It’s about getting to know someone a whole lot better, and in a totally unique way.”

This was the Eureka moment. The oh my god I dont have to be a Disney princess I can just be me and relax about it moment.

It was still several years before I learnt what polyamory was and what that would mean for me in relationships. In fact, its only now that I think I’m really beginning to totally grok what the full implications of that realization are. I knew in the moment, however, that this was the truest piece of advice I had ever had given to me about relationships, and my approach to them began to change and shift from there on.